I’ve been addicted to the second season of Mad Men for the last few days.
I never watch TV, but a friend borrowed my iPad and threw on a bunch of TV shows to help me pass the time when I’m flying between cities.
Love the show, Don Draper has a lot of masculine characteristics that I try to embody. But this post isn’t to talk about the show, more the weird funk it has put me in today.
Mad Men is somewhat of a dark slow drama, I’ve been watching it all day. Somehow between the weird darkness, and me feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything because I’ve been watching TV shows, (even though I’ve already written about 4000 words and bought a few new domains) I’ve fallen into a weird introspection.
Call me a workaholic I guess.
So while taking a shower, meditating on my current thoughts… I figured I’d use this post as catharsis.
The Slippery Slope of Self Actualization
In McKenna’s Spiritual enlightenment the Damnedest Thing, there is one analogy he uses to explain the path towards enlightenment that stands out.
It’s funny how self development junkies think. Myself being a member of that club, as I’m sure many of you are as well.
Most people don’t like their reality to be fucked with. They don’t like questions.
Religions were created for this reason. No need to think for yourself, just do what God says and you will go to heaven.
Not gonna get into that topic, but what’s funny about people that get into self development is that they LIKE fucking with their own reality.
Epiphany! Yay!!!
Anytime a self help junkie realizes something about the way they think is not actually true, it’s a sign that they are developing. They’re happy, yet it’s a slippery slope.
What McKenna talks about in Spiritual Enlightenment, is that as you start moving towards the higher end of the consciousness spectrum, (although I’m sure he’d hate that I used that term) it’s like the floor drops out from under you and you start sliding down a mudslide.
All your thoughts, beliefs, and values come into question.
You look at the way you thought yesterday, and you think about how naïve you were.
Then tomorrow comes around, and you feel the same way about the day before.
You keep sliding down the slippery slope, until you come to a point…
Where the sliding just becomes reality.
You just jump into the abyss of nothingness and take a very objective viewpoint of it all.
Of what?
Life, I guess.
Travel is my Grindstone
I went through the whole spiritual introspection, existential, lost feeling a few years ago, but I think my travel schedule had an even bigger impact on my current thought patterns and perspective of reality.
Literally not having a home, living out of a suitcase, the endless use of public bathrooms, (sweet!) not having any consistency on the most basic levels.
You get sick. You don’t have a doctor, you need to search around and find one.
Not knowing where to stay, where to take clients out, where to eat, trusting strangers, finding transportation, wearing the same shirt for 3 days…
It’s literally a constant low level anxiety everyday.
Now, anxiety is kind of a loaded word with many negative connotations, it’s not so much the traditional anxiety, just a constant taxing on your mental faculties, never a dull moment.
In no way am I complaining about this, (can’t complain, hah) I’m just trying to explain the thoughts that go through my head INSTEAD of daily gossip, or sports stats, or even what other people think of me.
I’m too busy trying to “survive.”
It’s funny as I write this, because I’ve literally done it for so long now, most of it is internalized.
Just as the slippery slope of destroying your reality BECOMES your reality, living life from city to city just BECOMES your home.
I’m at home everywhere I go, and it creates a VERY strong sense of being comfortable in my own skin.
I Have No Friends
The intense travel schedule has other byproducts as well, and this topic I’ve had less time to wrap my head around and go through the whole mental reframing process in my own brain.
Everywhere I go, I know someone. Whether friend, volunteer, assistant, or former client, I’m very lucky in that almost any city I go to these days, I have a friend I can meet up with.
But, I find myself looking back at college or high school, and the large social circle I had back then.
That ever present longing for the good ole’ days classic thought process.
Yet I know that 5 years from now. I’ll be thinking the same thing about my CURRENT life situation.
It’s moments like these where your mental awareness and fortitude really get honed.
Embrace life. Embrace the process. Enjoy RIGHT NOW.
It’s like old school Eckhart Tolle, but really happiness IS in the moment.
That aspect handled, I’m wondering how loneliness fits into my current perceptions and ego ramblings as well.
They say that humans need human interaction, need comfort and social connections, and sure, on a very glib level I have these DAILY.
But I don’t have many deep relationships. And all of my closest friends either travel as much as I do, or are living all over the world where I only visit irregularly.
I don’t really feel negative emotions towards this, more I see how my current actions are working towards creating a lifestyle where I DO have these types of people in my life more regularly.
Which is why I think it’s important to have a better understanding of what drives me to take those actions.
Are bad or unconscious emotions dictating the actions I take?
I’ve yet to find out, and also don’t even know if the vague goal I’m striving for is a possibility.
Looking at priorities, travel is STILL the most important thing in my life.
I want to live in Costa Rica and learn Spanish, party in Berlin and start learning some German, spend at least 6 months in Manhattan to truly experience one of my favorite cities…
Where do friendships, girlfriends, and even children come in to play here?
I have yet to find an example of someone living the life I plan to live, both the travel and the friends and family aspect. There are many unknowns to how it will all come together.
They say it’s lonely at the top.
The further down the rabbit hole you go, the less you have in common with less and less people.
Living a truly objective life, how important are friends, family, and relationships?
I know I wouldn’t be where I’m at today if I didn’t have the drive to better my social situation, both to network with and find new friends.
But I don’t have a clue how everything will fall into place, and how my priorities will shift at different periods of my life.
Everything Happens for a Reason
Someone recently asked me what my plans are for the next few years. Where do I see myself, what about my girlfriend/family/career situation, where do I want to live?
The whole shebang.
And my response was that I don’t worry about it. I have no concerns.
I have no doubts.
As I said it, it sounded a bit weird and arrogant, but it’s true.
I’ve set my life down a certain course, chosen my goals based on concrete life values, and as long as I’m living in alignment with those values, I don’t think.
It’s supremely relieving. I don’t have any questions. It’s just a matter of keeping on, keeping on.
Everyday, every experience, is just putting another coin in the bank account of life. It’s all building…
Towards what, who knows?
Ultimately, it’s the process of filling the bank account to enjoy, not the end goal.
Let life unfold, stop stressing, and enjoy the ride.
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