There is a crossroads that every man who is successful with women reaches.
It’s right at the cusp between intermediate and advanced, dabbler and master.
I can just smell the vibe in field reports when I see a guy at this level.
I was rereading through my old posts on RSDNation, it’s all there by the way, all my old field reports.
I found an old post that I have given to many of my assistants when they reach a very specific point in the journey.
This report was written by me, Abercrombie as I was called, hehe, about a month and a half after my bootcamp as a client in December 2007…
Try to feel the bravado, the “show off” vibe, in my writing style at the time.
It might be subtle, as I hadn’t noticed it so much in the other times I’ve read this, probably near a dozen times now, but the crux of my problems are blatantly obvious when I reread it now.
And notice that, on some level, I even knew what was wrong with me as I wrote it.
I was ADDICTED to external validation.
I wanted guys to comment about how awesome I was, I wanted my friends to see how awesome I was, I wanted girls to know how awesome I was.
It was all so fresh.
I was just coming off of CRAZY momentum from taking a bootcamp, and naively on some weird rampage.
We’ll talk about what the problem was, and how to fix it, at the end of this field report…
EDIT: I’m editing this bad boy write now, and the funny thing is that I didn’t even feel like writing today. But, this has turned into a 2100 word tome.
So sit back, relax, and as always…
Enjoy!!!
(Originally posted on 12-23-07)
Well last night was pretty rough. Too bad it is all in my head. I figured writing this out will help.
The thing that bothers me the most is that the underlying reason for me posting about my week is the very problem I need to fix.
I have issues with external validation.
I know that by posting this, I’ll get people responding how good of a week it was, making me feel happy. Damn, external validation!!
I am really close to dialing in this foible, but it’s tough.
How can you become 100% internally validated when you ARE receiving external validation.
It’s a faulty state of mind. I have had great successes lately, and my life is very fulfilling. But then I have one bad night, and I feel like the whole week was a failure.
Tuesday-
Setup a date with the girl I bathroom closed in my abandoned 30 day challenge… Came over to watch a movie… f close…
Wednesday-
Setup date with some 18 year old that I have known for a while. Great conversation, typical date, then bounced to my place to play some Donkey Kong. BJ close
Thursday-
Went to Chicago, met up with the hottie I met on bootcamp. It was our fourth time meeting up. 2X f close, then again Friday morning
Friday-
Went out with friends and met up with my little shortie gymnast girl. Went to the bars, brought her and her friend home with my roommate. Popped champagne, threw some starburst… f close…
Now on to yesterday… And the reason I am writing this.
So throughout the week I haven’t made any cold approaches. I think the biggest reason for me not cold approaching anymore was that I was getting complacent. And at the same time, I didn’t have any time to approach, constantly setting up meetings with the various girls of my life.
So Saturday, I set out to find some new blood…
It didn’t help that I got drunk early in the day. I think this made me a little “edgey/ornary” later in the night. Around 5:00PM I am feeling randy and text my hot 18 year old neighbor, setting up a tentative “shower date” with her for 7:00.
She was supposed to text me when she was getting in the shower, but it took too long so I end up going out to eat with friends around 7:30. I text her…
ME: Thanks 4 flaking on our shower date It’s cool tho, I’m already out… Mexican Restaurant…
GIRL: Oh really? I’m about to get in the shower… that’s too bad
ME: Ha, Ur such a tease I’ll have 2 take a raincheck
GIRL: If you come back before I go to work I’ll be in a towel… That’s not a tease
-Didn’t make it back in time… Too bad, haven’t f closed her yet.
So I get drunk for the second time at dinner, drinking margaritas.
We head to the bars, they’re kinda dead. After a while I see some 6’0″ tall chick that is worth opening. I make a bet with a friend that I can k close within 15 minutes…
She’s dancing on the dancefloor. I roll up, over the shoulder claw, “Whatsup?” We dance, I grab her waist, she says something “Blahblah” I pretend not to hear and bring her head in by grabbing her head/hair over her ear.
ME: You are cute as hell… (bring her head in for the kiss)
-But before I even go in for the kiss she yells…
GIRL: I can’t dance with you, my boyfriend is right over there watching us. Dance with my friend.
ME: Actually I do better with multiple girls.
So I bring them both in, but HBtall is acting kind of standoffish. Her friend was like a 7, and I was only talking to this girl to get a free shot, so I just sauntered off.
Next set, I try to do a demo for a wing, showing him good tonality.
It’s a two set, one real cute, one huge boobs.
Double over the shoulder claw. “Hey whatsup guys?”
Them: Blah blah, we just got here.
ME: Wow, you already finished that first drink? Impressive
-girl code shit
ME: Hey, I see what you’re doing, girl code! Watch out I know all about that shit.
-I isolate the first girl and get my wing isolated with big boob girl
I start vibing with my girl and a friend from the other side of the bar yells for me. I acknowledge the friend, and the chick I am talking to takes that opportunity to walk off, so I consider the set never fully hooking.
Next set, two girls holding hands walk right in front of me. As they try to walk around, the first one bumps into me and I grab the second one in a reverse bear hug. She likes it, but her friend pulls her away.
(NOTE FROM BRAD CIRCA 2011: Do you see how I’m just trying to show off here? There is no authenticity behind my actions. It’s purely for my friends to see.)
Up until this point my state is pretty good. But when we head to the next bar things started going downhill.
It all revolved around one girl. She was super cute, sitting on some guys lap. It was her and 8-9 uber chode dudes. She was just kinda spinning around going from guy to guy sitting on each of their laps, getting tons of validation.
I end up staring at this girl for half an hour trying to find an opportunity to open her.
Is it out of my reality to open this girl while she is sitting on some guys lap?
I really think the only reason I found her attractive is due to the challenge of the set, and that very problem is what ruined my state as I started getting frustrated for not being able to open her.
I should have just rolled up and whispered in her ear! Damnit!!
So that set basically ruined my night. I was starting to get pretty drunk and inside my head. I completely stopped talking to my friends, and they were getting kind of annoyed with me.
We head to another bar and there are a few more sets. One set hooks, a couple of 27 year olds…
GIRLS: How old do we look?
ME: 22-23
GIRLS: Ahhh, we’re old! We’re all 27-28
ME: Well maybe it’s your lack of maturity or something for why I think you look so young.
GIRLS: Ahhh!!!
Then I look, and my target has a wedding ring on. Damn…
Me and two wings head to the last bar. It’s notorious for cute teenage girls , but it is closing as we get there. Further lowering my state.
Then as we are walking home in the freezing rain, my friend says some shit to an ugly chick.
I end up breaking up this fight with her BF and my friend, probably the highlight of my night because I totally dominated this bigger dude. And one of my wings yelled at this 50 year old Motorcycle dude “Chill out old man!” That pissed him off, haha…
So I walk home by myself, in the rain, no girl. I was pretty down. JUST stopping myself from making stupid drunken texts to my girls saying how down I was.
I had no reason to be down. I had a great week, probably one of the best, yet as it ended I feel completely disappointed with myself.
I feel this is some inner game issue that I need to get sorted out. I try to think of myself as being pretty well centered and internally validated, but it is hard to test this internal validation when I have had so much success lately.
Do I really need to pull a girl every night to be happy? That would be some fucked up shit… I think I need to relisten to Jlaix’s part in Transformations or something to try and figure this shit out.
BACK To 2011:
Alright, enough of that.
There are a couple things I want to highlight from this story.
The first, and main reason that I send this to guys when they reach a certain point, is related to building the ego of being successful with women.
It’s been said before, and this was it for me.
It led to a month-long downward spiral of me wondering what the fuck happened.
How one night, after amazing success, can screw up literally an entire month with no results.
Why?
I was so outcome dependent.
Going up to every girl, trying to VALIDATE MY SKILLSET.
You can see it in the story above.
I’m not going after the girl, I’m going after THE REACTION.
Or even worse, my FRIEND’S reaction to the things I was doing.
Because of this outcome dependence, the girl felt a weird neediness, or disconnect, and nothing hooked for a month straight.
How to Overcome This Problem?
It’s funny how far the “success with girls” technology has come over the last few years.
At the time I wrote this, I had no clue what was wrong, and even more doubts about how to overcome it.
Now it’s obvious.
Get rid of the outcome dependency.
Another way of looking at outcome dependency is that you are “trying to get a specific reaction from the girl.”
So how do we stop reaction seeking?
SELF AMUSEMENT.
When I went through this problem, there was no such thing as self amusement really, so I had to walk through the dark to figure out how to get the hell out of this horrible cavern.
I just decided to go out one night, and try to get slapped.
I started throwing ice cubes at girls, saying ridiculous openers, wearing weird shirts and sunglasses (some things never change)…
And guess what happened?
All of a sudden, everything started to hook again.
Reality is Perception
The second major problem I had was a weird conflict because of all the Eckhart Tolle I was reading and how hard Tyler was pimping him at the time.
I was confused on what external and internal validation were, and where I should sit on the spectrum.
Everyone said get rid of the ego!
But I was having all these amazing results, how am I supposed to separate from them?!
This is now easily explained through Extreme Self Love.
The way to get over external validation, and make it internal is to shift your focus and identity onto things that YOU can control.
It’s how you perceive experiences as opposed to just letting them happen and analyzing them through other people’s value structures.
You have to set your own standards and values, and make it so that ANYTHING that happens makes you happy, fulfilled, and awesome.
Have you gone through this sticking point yet?
How did you push through it?
I’d like to hear your thoughts on this beastly subtle quagmire…
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